I got sick of being asked the same questions over and over, so I’ve set up a FAQ. These are all actual questions sent to me by fawning readers.

Why are you so great?
It’s complex.

Do you think in 25 years or so you’ll be considered the Proust of the 21st century?
Well, I hate to lack humility, but…yeah.

Can you give me advice for being as great as you?
Not really, no, since I am me and you are you. Little minion.

I know you’re married, but I’m in love with you. Can I buy you a cappuccino?
Send a headshot. I'll consider you. No Photoshopping. And no coffee; strictly Belgian ale.

Can I give you money for being great?
Sure, I’ll set up a “Donate” button.

Can the amount I write on the check involve exponents?
Yes, unless they are negative exponents.

Can I pay you in foie gras?
Yes, a reservation at El Bulli in Spain (be polite and include a plane ticket) would be acceptable too. Alinea or Per Se if you’re cheap.

Do you really have three kids? What’s wrong with you?
My great-grandma had 13.* Three isn't so many.

I’ve picked your book for my Book Club. When can I have you on the show?
Gosh, Oprah, I’m booked solid through 2012. I hear you’re ending your show? Sorry I could never squeeze you in. I hear J.Franz is available next month.

I fucking hate you and your blog. Get a life, you cheap whore.
I think you typed the URL wrong. Try .net instead.
Oh, you’re right. Sorry.

*True story. Two were stillbirths.