Tired of articles with titles like, "12 things you didn't know about human nostrils" or "7 fascinating serial killers you've never heard of"? They go on to list exactly what their subject heading promises they'd discuss. You think for a moment that maybe you will thwart the author's statement by already being aware of whatever fact they accused you of not knowing, thus proving your smartness; but, alas, the author was correct: you really never had heard of H.H. Holmes. (Well, I hadn't, anyway.)
At any rate, I have crafted a list that is certain to make you feel wise and worldly. There is no way you didn't already know all of the 5 following facts, unless you are Sarah Palin, then maybe.
1. Marijuana gets you high.
Marijuana consists of the dried flowers of the female cannabis plant. A stronger form of the drug is called hashish and is derived from resinous secretions from the same plant. Marijuana is typically smoked (whether in a cigarette form known as a "joint," in a pipe or hookah, or, more rarely, through the barrel of a shotgun), although it can be eaten (usually incorporated into baked goods such as brownies). Lamer still is the preparation of marijuana tea. Within a short while, the user feels effects such as euphoria, mild sedation, a marked slowing of time, an urge to eat an entire bag of Snyder's of Hanover Buffalo-Style Pretzel Pieces, a tendency to discuss guileless philosophical ideas (such as: "How do we know we exist?" "Everything George Orwell said is coming to fruition. And Aldous Huxley, too." and "Dude, are you a narc?"), the valuation of any marijuana-related joke as "funny," the sudden recognition of the shape of one's hands (and the valuation of this recognition as profound), and a desire to listen to the same Bob Marley song over and over and over again.
Note that marijuana is illegal in most states and protect yourself accordingly while smoking or purchasing it. Marijuana in its various guises is also known by the following names: pot, weed, grass, bud, reefer, maryjane, herb, indo, chronic, 420, spliff, fattie, blunt, doobie, ganja, boo, baby bhang, cheeba, muggles, Texas tea, Panama red, Acapulco gold, Zacatecas purple, Kentucky blue, Mexican brown, Manhattan silver, Chicago green, Pakistani black, white-haired lady.
I'm sweating. I need to get high now.
2. You can get food and germs off your dishes by washing them.
This is a surprisingly effective method of not getting sick. Related: cooking chicken kills the salmonella that is present in ~75% of chicken meat.
3. You're probably better off avoiding people whose Twitter/LinkedIn/Wordpress, etc. profile mentions that they are cisgendered.
4. Sex is fun. And sexy.
I offer this statement with a qualifier: Sex is not always fun. Sometimes it's not, like your first time, or when you're super drunk and can't find the insertion point, or when the guy whips out his penis & you can't help but notice that it's small enough to pick locks with (come to think of it, merely mentioning the word "penis" during the act is enough to kill the mood). But for the most part, sexing is fun.
5. "Punctilious" means being all uptight about details and correctness and shit like that.
Actually, I had to look this up because I didn't know what it meant.